Category: Me

Loosing my twitter virginity..

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I was with my family for a change on the New Year Eve in 2009, yes for a change because on NYE I had always been with my friends. The reason was the screwed up life I was facing, it was at its lowest best. I was optimistic and tried to believe that there is no further low that life can achieve so its time to see the light in the gloom. So spending time with family was the best option, they always appreciate you and make you feel lively.

This post is not about my low life or the 2009 NYE, it’s about my hooking up with twitter. So as I was home my brother was trying to tease me for being active and known on this cool community known as Twitter. I told him even I had an account and tried to tell him that the bloody thing sucks. Yes I had an account, which I had opened sometime in June 2009 after all the twitter buzz in the media. Sent some random tweets and sat back hoping that people would reply to my tweets, without realising that it was not a chat channel. With no responses I made myself believe that the whole jing bang on the media is a paid promotion of the website and this thing does nothing but Suck. The account was abandoned.

So I told my brother that there was nothing to feel proud about being active on some frivolous website. He asked me what was my handle, I was like WHAT? Then was told that the id on twitter is known as Handle. Hmm ok, yes the sucky website had its own lingo. Told him the handle was Karmic @KarmicThoughts. Nothing Bond about it.

Why @KarmicThoughts? I was thinking of keeping it @alwaysready till i realised it sounded more like the handle of a whore . Thought and thought till I noticed that I am saintly and an ardent believer of karma, so my thoughts would be karmic thoughts. Saintly? Well apparently my name was also the name of some ancient famous saint. Senseless? I know, and now no more questions about my handle.

It was the night of 29th December, with no friends and a few bot followers my Twitter account was almost Virgin. Almost as it had indulged in some one-sided foreplay before. My brother @kp1200 added me and screamed out loud on his timeline, MEET MY BROTHER, FOLLOW HIM. Then he asked me to check my account and start the journey. I checked my Timeline and saw it blank as always, was then told I need to check the mentions, damn this new lingo, considering I am bad with languages I was up for a tough ride. My mentions had a bunch of messages from some wonderful people who then became good friends. Well honestly, thanks to my goldfish memory I dont remember who all were they, but can surely guess who all it could be. I had lost my twitter virginity.

I was given a crash course on the lingo, hugs was called Twugs, CLT = Currently listening to, RT = Retweet and some more. Bro told me a tweep of his is following me, and I thought he meant someone is weeping coz of me. Damn WTF was I thinking, but then I had thought I need to put a T before any word to make it a part of the Tweet Lingo.

The journey had started, over the next few months followed some lovely people, made some awesome friends, learnt about follow friday, gave and was given recos (made me feel special seeing people writing goodness about me), attended tweetups, celebrated birthday on the road with a bunch of great tweeps, twitter was now an integral part of my life. Recently heard somewhere “I may look lonely but I am never lonely” well I could relate to this phrase to the core. Twitter was on 24/7, it grew on me like an addiction and yes I was addicted to this life changing experience.

Life changing as I could speak anything and was not questioned. I could ask anything and was answered. I was getting information before it was flashed on new channels. It made me feel I had some sort of power, like a super hero. I could bash Chetan Bhagat and would see people joining me. For a change I had met people who were smarter than me. Twitter was the new google of my life, google with a ‘personal touch’.

Lately things have changed, yes changed as my thoughts have started being questioned which kind of kills the whole idea of being myself on twitter, but then who cares 🙂

Today after a year, with over 28000 tweets and over 760 followers, and realising how wrong i was in saying that it sucked, after finding that every social media is not like facebook, I am still hooked to twitter, it’s an affair which doesn’t seems to be ending anytime soon. Thanks to my brother that I have company even when the world surrounding me is fast asleep.

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A loner’s pursuit for happiness !

I have been living practically alone for the past more than 10 years. I think I am a loner, I dont need people around me to live or more importantly to be happy. I was asked if being a loner do I feel lonely. Gave a thought to the question and I think yes even though I am a loner I do get lonely, infact a lot sometimes. After a lot of introspection I realised I wasnt a loner till sometime back, yes I feel I had someone or the other around me always, even though I was living alone I was not alone. But the past year or so life has changed, by change I mean drastically changed. At one time I used to trust people blindly, almost everyone I knew or even met I trusted them. But now I think its kind of difficult for me to do so, circumstances do change people. I dont think anyone is responsible for this, its been entirely my own doings which somehow led me here, my doings which happened probably unknowingly and unwantedly. I have this strange thing in me that I dont remember the bad in people, I forget the bad and remember the good. I know it sounds unrealistic but its true. I forgive people more than people forgive me. Well actually people dont get much opportunity to forgive me, I have never tried to intentionally hurt anyone in life, yes I mean it and I can even state it on affidavit (I am actually not as bad as I appear). There have been instances when I did hurt people but it was never that I wanted it to happen.

I kind of always wondered that if I dont do bad for others why do others do bad to me. But then I realised that this is how you supposed to live, think of your own good and not of others. Its YOU who matters and not others. Does it really work that way? Maybe, but definitely not for me. I always believed that the bad is a part of good, good can not exist on its own. It is the bad that makes the good so good. So maybe the bad that happens is also for the good, there is something lying beyond the horizon which can shine even in front of the shiniest shine.

UNCHANGE THE CHANGE !!

Change, one word which is connected with us from the moment we open our eyes in this weird world. From our inception all that we are asked for is to change, all that people expect from us is to change. We too are a part of the gentry and we too keep trying our best to change everything and everyone around us to suit our own comfort and convenience. But what we always forget is that the same force is working on us, even we are being changed in this changing process. We all believe that change is good, after all this is what fuels the process of evolution. But somehow we don’t realise that this change is mostly not for good.

Its said love should be unconditional, and true love always exist. I think its true and it does exist as its true only when we be what we are and let our partner be what they are. But most of the times we end up changing ourself or our partner and then fall off love. Fall off because the person we loved doesnt remain the same, change takes its toll and so it’s not possible to love this new person who emerges after the changing process.
If we start being ourself and we stop expecting the unexpected from anything and anyone things would be less wrong in life. We all are right in our own ways, in our own perception and understandings. So we should try to understand what we think to be wrong is right for the other, give it a hearing before coming to a conclusion, maybe what you believe to be right might actually be wrong. It is the bit of innocence in us that still keeps some love and smile alive in this rigid world. I always thought that a child is life in its purest form, unfazed by anything good or bad, for the child everything is good and nothing is bad, till he/she learns it or is taught about it.

Change is needed and we can’t live without changing, after all we move to a new day with every step of ours. But we always try to change others and let others change us, I believe that if we try to change ourself and let others change themselves then we surely would love this change as it would be for the good, after all nobody knows you better than you.

LEGALLY LUXURIOUS

A year had passed being in the profession, was enjoying being a part of the esteemed and noble profession. Though got to know that there was no nobility attached to it anymore when the banks refused to offer me loans and credit cards, when no one was willing to let out a house on rent to me just for the fact that I was a lawyer. It was insane that people had generalised their thoughts towards a profession. Still for me the feeling of nobility existed when an old man told me that I was like god for him as I had saved his land from being taken away by the government on which there was the only school of the village.

One day I was asked by a senior lawyer if I was interested in doing a case in Ranchi, I was then told that I had to appear for a sitting Minister of the Government of Jharkhand and the issue was regarding his disqualification from the Member of Legislative Assembly as he had gone against his party Whip (order). The case was to be heard by the Speaker of the Jharkhand Legislative Assembly. I felt blessed that I was offered to do this case, an opportunity very few lawyers get.

So I was all in for it, had engaged a Senior Counsel from Delhi to lead me in the matter. We reached Ranchi, the matter was listed in a special court room, made for the purpose of this matter in the Legislative Assembly. The court was full of people, mostly journalists and politicians. The matter was taken up and was adjourned as we needed time to file our reply.

The matter was listed again after a month. A day before I got to know that the Senior was not in a position to go, so the show was all mine. I was sitting in the front of the court room which was hustling and bustling with the reporters and camera men. I submitter that the Senior appearing in the matter has been elevated as a Judge of the Delhi High Court so he could not be present today. I sought time to engage another Senior Counsel and said that it was my privilege to appear before the Speaker and I might be the next one in the queue for judgeship. The court room burst in laughter and people were clapping. I could not even see the Judge as I was blinded by the flash lights of the cameramen. The noise of shutter was louder than mine. The Speaker told me that he would adjourn the matter but since everyone has assembled today I should atleast place my case before the court. After about 2 hours of arguments the matter was adjourned. We got out of the courtroom and I was caught by a mob journalists, questioning me on camera. Next day I was in the headlines of all the local newspapers and channels. Was a proud moment.

The case was listed for the final hearing after a political crisis in the State. The fate of my case would had decided the formation of a new government as the numbers for the majority depended on the fate of my client. We were sure that the case would be decided against us as the Speaker who was hearing the matter belonged to the rival political party. The matter was taken up and was adjourned for 2 days. The Senior Counsel leading me had to leave for Allahabad for an urgent case. Since there was no flight from Allahabad to Ranchi and it was impossible to reach Ranchi by train on time a flight was chartered for him. The matter was vehemently argued by the Senior. The Judgment was reserved and we were on way to the airport. In the airport the Senior told me that I should join him in his flight rather than going alone. It was the icing on the cake. We were escorted on the tarmac by the pilot and the tiny 6 seater Jet was waiting for us to board. We entered the flight and was welcomed by the hostess, one for the two of us 😉 The seats were electronically controlled recliners, It was sheer luxury, though I was a bit scared on the thought of the tiny thing being safe up in the air. The cockpit was open which actually added to the fear. The flight took off and I was called by the pilot to show how they flew the plane, luckily he didnt offer me the controls. After about 2 hours of flight we reached Delhi and a Limousine was waiting to take us to the terminal. Finally reached home and to the end of luxury. The judgment was delivered after almost 6 months, though against us we had still succeed as we had managed to keep it in abeyance at the political crisis. This was one of the unforgettable experience of my professional life.

EXPLORING THE UNEXPLORED !!

Writing about the glorious past of my life and trying to be short is an impossible task. Still trying to be as short as I can, and this is the shortest I can be in sharing the phase of my life which taught me about life. So in continuation to ‘Meeting my loneliness’, its time to share when I explored the unexplored. I know its a bit long, couldnt make it any shorter, but I am sure you all would enjoy every bit of it.

I had made friends and got down to being busy with the endless schedule of the school, the loneliness had disappeared. Things were all happy and nice. I was learning how to do things on my own, without the comfort of mom. Was washing my clothes, cleaning my room, polishing my shoes, attending a morning 4 to 9 routine. Learnt reading books, got better in yoga, went to the doctor on my own, so a lot of firsts were happening and I was enjoying life. Mom, dad and dodo would visit me often and I would always see them off with a happy smile. A year had passed, I was more used to the life in the school than with my family by now. Mom told me that soon Dodo would also be joining me and I need to play the role of big brother more than I have done before. The day they came to drop Dodo, he was happy for the fact that he would be finally living with me, and I was sad for the fact that no one would be there to take care of Mom and Dad. I cried for the last time.

They say rules are meant to be broken; I broke rules and learnt that blasting and shattering the rules gave more sadistic pleasure than breaking. Had started to bunk classes, sneaking to the out of bound domains, stealing fruits from the orchard, breads from the bakery, bunking sleep, and a lot more. Learnt about the theories of life and death, sex and self pleasure. Was shocked to know how birth took place, and for the first and the last time thought I was lucky to be a man.  Had discovered the pleasure magazines, was reading Sidney Sheldons and Eric Segal than Enid Blyton. That was me enjoying my growing from a boy to a man. Was told man because I was now enjoying the so-called adult domain.

Four years had passed, by now I had taken part in the literary activities, was debating and reciting, was acting and teaching, yes teaching as I had been made the captain of the school yoga team, was told that I was the youngest to achieve this. Was made the prefect of my house, well it was something prestigious, the juniors were always scared and the batchmates envious as the I enjoyed some privileges and had a sort of prefectory immunity.

Had reached class 8th and moved to the senior hostel. We had one junior hostel and three senior hostels. Though I had moved to the senior hostel but became a junior. The ragging phase in the hostel life was about to start. I had always been in good books of the teachers, they all thought me to be the kind of model student, did fairly well in studies as well as the other activities, this status always helped me in my escape route when I did the wrong. The ragging had started, works of the seniors were being delegated to us, from doing their homework and practical works, to getting water and washing their clothes. Then a shocking thing happened, one night I was woken up from my sleep by a senior and asked to follow him to his room. Was asked to kiss him and touch him, felt like the moment before the rape, had to hit him and escape to hiding, this is when I got to know that homosexuality was existing in this all boys school. I was beaten up the next day for not doing what I was asked for, but I was happy for the beating as I didn’t have to kiss and touch that ugly bastard.

Class 9th was the time when we knew that we were getting close to power. Yes, power because we were heading towards class 10th, which was the dominant and breaking free phase of every boarders life. In the last semester of class 9th the students of 10th and 12th clashed after being instigated by the lie of one of my class mate, some of them were hospitalised, police was called and the school was declared closed sine die. Learnt that one lie can actually affect the life of 800 others.

Finally reached class 10th, the time we all had waited for from the day we had joined the school. Walked into the school after the summer vacations with the heads high, collar up, eyes open and ears closed. Was greeted by the juniors as sir and the teachers would not raise their voices (I know it sounds too filmy but that’s how it was), and a big change was that I had money in my pockets for the first time in my life, we never needed money before as everything for prepaid.  We were now doing things at our own wish and time, the school time-table was a piece of shit and it we had our own time-table which the school would follow. It was a Sunday, me and a friend had sneaked out of the school campus after beating and threatening the security guard who had tried to stop us, we headed to the city to buy a cake for a friend’s birthday. I saw my first porn movie in a stinky theatre, later realised where the stink came from. On our way back to the school we saw a wine store and thought of picking some beers, afterall we were adults now. Picked 4 bottles of beer, which had turned hot by the time we got back, drank alcohol (hot beer) for the first time hiding in the toilet,  thought I can never drink it again, good I didn’t follow my thoughts, else would have never experienced the meaning of the quote “the world looks more beautiful when you are high”.

By the time I was about to finish my hostel life I had smoked my first cigarette, learnt reading books, tried my hands in painting, had excelled in yoga, sneaked out to the highway dhabas to eat and drink, sneaked in VCR players to watch porn movies in the hostel, beaten up some teachers, kicked some asses, made bed under my bed to escape from attending classes, featured on the list of blacklisted students of the school, gave a shock to the Principal by being on this list, I stood confident and independent, able to handle anything in life, and many many more things which were the firsts of my life and which had paved the way to my glorious future.

We were in the last day of the school and the feeling of going back to home was the same as I had felt the first day I came to the hostel. I was sad yet happy and I was all set for exploring the new part of my life. I knew that the friends I have lived day and night with for 7 years would go invisible forever, didn’t have the social networking sites to keep in touch with them. But then I was excited to see the world out of the bounds of hostel, which was so far inexistent in my life. I still cherish every moment I have lived in the hostel and truly thank my parents to have been strong and sent me there. What I am today is all because of these 7 years of adventurous life.

MEETING MY LONELINESS…

I had been thinking of what to write, and finally after a lot of tussle with my thoughts I decided to share the phase of my life which paved way to what I am today. It’s too difficult to share it in such a short space, can actually write a book on it, so I would be brief and would write it in two parts as I don’t want you all to go through the pain of reading it all at once :).

Was seven when Mom and Dad took me on a drive to a school which was in the outskirts of Ranchi, it had a massive campus, dad had told me its spread on 200 acres of land which I definitely didn’t understand at that time. I just liked the fact that it had huge playgrounds and lots of kids playing. Later realised that Mom and Dad were preparing me for my life changing experience.

1991:     I was 9, looked 6, was driven down to the same school again, everything was same as the last time except that I was wearing the school uniform as I had seen the kids wearing and had a big steel trunk loaded with clothes and things. I was exhilarated and happy about the fact that I would be staying at a place which had so many kids and I can make lots of friends and play all as much I wanted. The idea of being away from the family had not struck me yet. Reached school, I was given a roll number, 842, this was going to be my name for the next 7 years, yes we were called by our roll numbers and not by names. Infact I didn’t even know the names of some of my friends by the time we had passed out of the school. I was shown the room, it had 3 beds and wardrobes, there were no door and windows, it was just open spaces. They said it was not there to check the students from doing anything wrong. Wondered what wrong could I do? Yes I was at my innocent best at that time, unfazed by the good and bad, I was all good and bad didn’t exist for me. I was introduced to my housemaster Mr. Mankad, who was also the school yoga teacher, was the beginning of an informal relationship as I was eventually set to lead the school Yoga team. Mom had organised my wardrobe, made my bed, gave me the last most advises, and it was time for them to leave. I saw them off with a smile; mom had red eyes and was trying to be silent, Dad and Dodo (that’s my bro) looked sad, and were forcing themselves to smile, they left and I kept looking at the car till it had disappeared. I got back to my room, relaxed, met some guys from my batch, had dinner, slept. This was my first day of living alone and away from my family.

Woke up at 3 in the morning and for the first time in life felt what loneliness was, for the first time felt what luxury of being at home was and how much I loved my family. I had tears in my eyes and felt breathless, wanted to cry aloud but couldn’t. I wanted to run back home but knew it was impossible, so wished I could lock myself away from the eyes of everyone, I wished I was invisible and unheard. I didn’t feel like even going out of my room, but had to get into the school routine, which added to the pain. In the afternoon mom, dad and dodo gave me a surprise visit, brought me smile with tears. Later got to know that my room-mate had told the housemaster about my crying, so Mr. Mankad had called my Dad to inform that I was being a cry baby, and they should come and see me. Mom and Dad asked me to be strong and learn things and make friends and asked me never to cry again as they were always around. That was the second last time I cried for being away from home and started the journey of endless adventure and learning and the inception of my new life.

SELF PLEASURE …

I love myself more than anyone else, I think I am always right, I feel I don’t commit mistakes, I am above all. That’s my self obsession, ME ME ME. Was asked if it’s same as self centered? Hmmm after thinking a lot I answered that it was not being self centered. Why? Well even though I was supreme, I somehow cared for others more than me. I know I am talking about a flaw in me, something which I never spoke openly before, something which is irritatingly wrong. Was thinking once and a question came in my mind, isn’t self obsession like enjoying Masturbation more than Sex. Whoa couldn’t really give an answer to myself. I always tried to prove the wrong right just because I couldn’t be wrong. I would want things my way for the reason that my way was the right way even if it was wrong. I then realised that somehow I have got good in convincing people over the time and always succeeded in convincing the one who was right to do my wrong.

I never really met the one who would not get convinced by me, who would stand by his or her obsession. I was getting good in being right always, but then I was getting worse within as I was losing myself in this ordeal. But the ME in ME was so strong that it was difficult to be wrong. But I still had some good in me left somewhere, the little Mr. Good in me, who made me realise the mistakes I commit due to my obsession, and who made me accept my errors. So I would always accept it if I was wrong and would somehow sometime try to realise my mistakes, punish myself, though I would be a little extra liberal in the punishments.

So why am I writing about this, trying to bare the hidden faults of me, making myself vulnerable and porous. Because I realised that all this was making me the Villain in the movie of my life. That small hero in me wanted to execute me, to be brutal with me. Though the tussle between the good and bad in me gave me a kind of sadistic pleasure, as the tryst between the good and bad was often, after all good is always attracted to the bad, I wanted it to end. Why can’t I be good and good, hmm I think we need some badness in us to balance and realise the worth of the good, so there has to be some bad in us, but only some, the good should always be more than the bad. So here I am, trying to change myself, to make my good stronger and be able to make the good and bad in me friends. I have been changing now for a while, I accept more NO’s than YES, I don’t turn my back when I am rejected, I don’t make a sad face when my shot doesn’t hit the target. But why am I writing? As I thought that I can’t succeed alone, after all you all have been my partner in crime, so I need you to get me better. I want my I to change to You. So stop getting conned by me and start telling me my wrongs. Ah yes don’t do it in one go, would kill me, be a little generous on me, after all I am not that bad 🙂 As promised I am barking myself out. WOOF WOOF !!