SELF PLEASURE …

I love myself more than anyone else, I think I am always right, I feel I don’t commit mistakes, I am above all. That’s my self obsession, ME ME ME. Was asked if it’s same as self centered? Hmmm after thinking a lot I answered that it was not being self centered. Why? Well even though I was supreme, I somehow cared for others more than me. I know I am talking about a flaw in me, something which I never spoke openly before, something which is irritatingly wrong. Was thinking once and a question came in my mind, isn’t self obsession like enjoying Masturbation more than Sex. Whoa couldn’t really give an answer to myself. I always tried to prove the wrong right just because I couldn’t be wrong. I would want things my way for the reason that my way was the right way even if it was wrong. I then realised that somehow I have got good in convincing people over the time and always succeeded in convincing the one who was right to do my wrong.

I never really met the one who would not get convinced by me, who would stand by his or her obsession. I was getting good in being right always, but then I was getting worse within as I was losing myself in this ordeal. But the ME in ME was so strong that it was difficult to be wrong. But I still had some good in me left somewhere, the little Mr. Good in me, who made me realise the mistakes I commit due to my obsession, and who made me accept my errors. So I would always accept it if I was wrong and would somehow sometime try to realise my mistakes, punish myself, though I would be a little extra liberal in the punishments.

So why am I writing about this, trying to bare the hidden faults of me, making myself vulnerable and porous. Because I realised that all this was making me the Villain in the movie of my life. That small hero in me wanted to execute me, to be brutal with me. Though the tussle between the good and bad in me gave me a kind of sadistic pleasure, as the tryst between the good and bad was often, after all good is always attracted to the bad, I wanted it to end. Why can’t I be good and good, hmm I think we need some badness in us to balance and realise the worth of the good, so there has to be some bad in us, but only some, the good should always be more than the bad. So here I am, trying to change myself, to make my good stronger and be able to make the good and bad in me friends. I have been changing now for a while, I accept more NO’s than YES, I don’t turn my back when I am rejected, I don’t make a sad face when my shot doesn’t hit the target. But why am I writing? As I thought that I can’t succeed alone, after all you all have been my partner in crime, so I need you to get me better. I want my I to change to You. So stop getting conned by me and start telling me my wrongs. Ah yes don’t do it in one go, would kill me, be a little generous on me, after all I am not that bad 🙂 As promised I am barking myself out. WOOF WOOF !!

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REALITY VIRTUAL !!

The world in our generation has moved from reality to virtuality, virtual is now more real than the real. The virtual world is more powerful than the real. Though we are alive in the real world we are living a virtual life. The first thing I do today when I wake up is to check my emails, my social networking space, twitter and blog. Everything else comes next. We cry, we smile, we get angry and fight in real for something that happens virtually. Today we want our online profiles to look more beautiful than our homes, afterall we technically live there than in reality. A friend of mine met me a few months back with an idea to make virtual something we do in real. He wanted to provide a platform for the netizens (yes being a lawyer we extensively studied about citizenship, but netizenship is a concept yet to be legally ratified) to protest. I told him that this is already happening. We protest by showing our displeasure on our blogs, social networking sites and the likes of twitter. We all do it, even though it is mostly not heard. He then asked me if I am angry over some issue and would want to break glasses or maybe set a bus on fire, can we do it virtually. Well honestly I wouldnt do it even in real, So his idea was to let us protest and show our anger by doing things we are not able to do even in reality. A place where protest petitions be signed, show our displeasure by quietly lighting a candle or make noise by breaking glasses. And the idea was to get heard by those who needed to change, those who had committed the wrong. I thought if this was practical, if it made sense. It somehow did, but I told him that it might not be totally viable. The same guy called me 2 days back and asked me to check http://www.indiaprotest.org, i checked the website and was amazed that he had brought his thoughts and ideas into life. The website was interactive and I could register my protest in ways I could not do in reality. Though it was a little far fetched but it gave that satisfaction of releasing the anger. Great innovative website, it surely can bring a change to the way we protest and can make a dent on those who think themselves to be immortals. The way we are moving out of reality towards the virtuality, its not too far when we would all have the split personality disorder. We are two different people online and offline, trying not to mix the two. The mixing of the two would definitely bring around a fatal change. It would get difficult to live both and eventually choose one. Thats why I think a balance of both is needed. The moment one takes over the other, the disastrous would begin. So live virtually without disturbing the reality, coz virtual is all because of the real. Signing out..Woof Woof !!!

THE BLACK AND WHITE OF MY LIFE !!

I was always asked what made me become a lawyer, once when asking back why was I asked this question by everyone I was told because I am a first generation lawyer and had entered a profession dominated by the families and was passed on in inheritance. I had thought about the answer initially and didn’t really get an answer to it. So I always replied I became a lawyer because I liked wearing the black and white. Though the fact was that I did miserably bad in my class 12th boards and sat for the entrance test of a famous Law School and somehow got through it. Now after 5 years of being in the profession I realised how much I hate black and white. All the while I was in the law school I didn’t really want to be a lawyer, had always thought of using my new found legal acumen in the family tradition of business. Was always told and believed that being a Marwadi, business ran in the blood and that’s why a course in Business Management was not required. All my beliefs were defeated, I did an internship in the wee end of my Legal Education, only when I realised that I never actually got any education, that’s when I actually wanted to be a lawyer. Yes yes that’s me the confused mind, trying to discover something new all the time, and living in my false beliefs. Finally passed the law School and the world was colourful for a moment when I sent a sms to dad signing it as Advocate Kaushik Poddar. Was a proud feeling and felt like the king of the world, the feeling of being above the law, yes above the law cause they said I was now legally allowed to interpret the insane Indian Laws as I wanted. Insane cause we were told that if a man was raped then he had no legal remedy under the laws. Yes I was expecting that to happen with me and was further expecting that I would be looking for a legal remedy. So that was me after retiring from the law school.

Reached Delhi, was told it was from where the power flows. If Bombay was the financial capital, Delhi was where the power was. Power because this was where the laws were made by the Legislature and interpreted by the Judiciary. We witness it often how our so called rulers make the laws, I feel if it was left all on the parliament then most of us so called general class citizens would have not even been able to get quality education in this country. So this is where the Judiciary alias The Supreme Court of our country comes to our saving, playing a big role in efficient ruling of our country. In the time of Judicial activism practising in the Supreme Court was like being in the middle of the power play.

First day in the Supreme Court, wearing the black and white, felt good in the black suit, neck-band and the robe. Was always a fan of harry Potter and the robe did give the feeling of being in the fantasy land. The feeling stayed only till someone told me that the neck band depicted a snake’s fang. It was the symbol of a lawyer not being anyone’s friend and can bite you which could be fatal. Damnnn, it somehow shattered all the proud feeling. Back to the Supreme Court, it felt like being in Antarctica in the middle of herds of Penguins, sans the chill. I was requested by a senior if I can go to the Employees Provident Fund Appellate Tribunal to seek an adjournment on his behalf. He told me that I can mention before the court that the counsel appearing in the matter was on his legs in the Supreme Court (on his legs meant that he was standing and arguing before the court), so he could not be present before the Tribunal, as such the case maybe adjourned. Tarikh pe tarikh is what came in my mind, Sunny Deol was all I could think of, till I realised that I didn’t have a dhai kilo ka haath to break the table. So I reached the Tribunal and mine was the 2nd case in the list. The lawyer who was appearing in the case before me made exactly the same prayer what I was told to make, though his case was adjourned I could see the Judge was not too happy about it. My matter was called and I was speechless before the court. I was repeatedly asked to start my case, and after a moment of silence I spoke, “My lords, the counsel who has been appearing in the matter is suffering from viral fever, so he could not be present before the Hon’ble Court, therefore it is requested that the matter maybe adjourned for a short date”. It was only after I had said that I realised I did something wrong. The Judge spoke, “Viral fever?? Even I am suffering from Viral Fever and I am attending the court, if I can be here why can’t your lawyer be?” I honestly had no answer to it, was standing dumb, first appearance in a court and I was being royally screwed. The Judge then asked me to start the case as he would not adjourn it. All I could say quietly was ‘What the Fuck’. But after a lot of pleading the Judge told me that he would adjourn the matter but only if tell him what the case was about. So the bit of reading of the file that I had done helped me, told the court about the case in a cracking voice and the matter was finally adjourned.  Was also given a nasiyat by the Judge that I should always be prepared for the case even if I was seeking an adjournment (follow this even today). Felt as if I had conquered something, but realised I was actually raped and I had no remedy. Told the lawyer proudly that even after all the ruckus I had managed an adjournment. He gave me 500 rupees, my first income from the profession. I wrote the date and his name on it and thought I would keep this forever, still have it with me.

From that day till now, after numerous cases the cracking voice has gone, the eyes now meets the eyes of the Judge, though the feeling of conquering still remains, the black and white had started feeling hot and heavy. After being a part of the profession day and night, I met the good and ugly side of it (I can say its more ugly than the good). Had clients who touched feet and thought me to be god and had clients who said that they had killed by mistake and would pay anything to escape punishment. They say it has become a money-making business and didn’t have the nobility attached to it. Tarikh pe tarikh does exist but there is no Sunny Deol screaming and breaking the furniture in the court room (I just realised I am getting obsessed with Sunny Deol by mentioning him in all my posts). It is way more professional and refined than those in the movies, and hindi doesn’t exist in the court. Thats another irony, we being primarily a hindi speaking nation, been ruled by the English, its English which is the official language for the working of the Apex Court. What I do is interesting and has a special respect and aura attached to it, but at the end it does gets monotonous and sick. Yes sick cause I know deep in my heart that what I do is always not good. Does feel like running away from it sometimes or to do something else, but the madness of this profession pulls me back. It is like impossible to get out of it. But the restless me would find a way out if needed, but right now the exits are closed. Had heard this joke in the college, ‘arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig, in the end you realise the pig actually enjoys it’. So now it has also got difficult to argue with myself, never get a conclusion yet I enjoy it. Woof Woof !! 🙂

WHY AM I BARKING?

The Bhaunkta Kutta, yeah its kinda strange, I was looking for a name for my blog and was calling some friends for suggestions and happened to get a suggestion from Meeta to keep it The Barking Dog, I thought its kinda nice and The Barking Dog was the kind of blog name which could let me bark or write about anything. I have not been much into reading blogs till now and still I am yet to get over the fascinating idea of Micro Blogging alias TWITTER, that is why I was also oblivious to write about a specific topic. I could not restrict my thoughts to one direction, thoughts and dreams should be set free to take its own course. I was suggested to write about Legal stuffs, just cause of the fact that I am a lawyer. But I didnt want my thoughts to also be legal, trust me my mind too gets tired of the whole legal drama in my life. So I decided to not restrict myself to the legalities of my profession and my life but to let my thoughts be more colourful and mischievous. So the Barking Dog, as we have the famous hindi proverb, thanks to Sunny Deol and the likes, “Jo kutte Bhaunkte hain wo kuch karte nahin”, this did make me think if I want to just bark or want to make some sense by what I write, BUT then I realised in the world we live now, it all starts from the Bark. We can not make a point without bhaunking, people are so rigid to their own ideas that its difficult to make them bend to the right side, though its always easier to make it happen on the wrong side. So to make a point or for your ideas to be heard it always have to start with some noise. There I was thinking that I have so much cooking up in my wicked mind which is all ignited and waiting to get blasted that I need to start barking till the people actually notice some of it. Yes bark to get noticed also because Creativity afterall is loosing the sheen, thanks to CHINA . Thats how the Barking Dog was given a thumbs up by my mind. But then I thought that we are so close to the Independence Day and to be honest I am a bit more Deshpremee kind that I thought of giving it a Hindi touch, so there came The Bhaunkta Kutta. I had come up with a lot of other names and was told that they were a bit serious, unlike my personality, and that’s when I got to know that I had a little humor still alive, so I was suggested not to bring my seriousness out in public and let the fun side be the mirror hiding the seriousness yet reflecting the humor. Here I am all set to start writing, the excitement of giving words to my thoughts is bringing a lot of ideas in my mind and making me feel like writing endlessly, maybe that shall happen, but I would try to make things grow slowly and keep the creativity and curiosity alive. Hope that I would get all the support as I always got in giving words to my thoughts and creativity. Would end it with bhaunking “LONG LIVE ME” afterall this blog wont exist without ME. WOOF WOOF !!!